Cameron’s Column

Billy Smyth ‘26 is the subject of The News’ seventh Cameron’s Column.

John: How would one go about climbing the ranks of the French Revolutionary Army in 1795? 

Billy: Well, first, I think it’s important to establish a position in the military, and the one way to do that is with your outfit. I think you’d need a good hat for starters. It needs to be wide, but skinny, with a feather from a bird of prey. Other than that, there’s not much else to it!  

John: What would you do if you found out a bounty was placed on your head by the infamous gangster, Jabba the Hutt? 

Billy: I think I would tell my loved ones I love them…and then pray. There’s not much you can do to escape Jabba.

John: Who would you most expect to trip on a banana peel at graduation and accidentally throw their diploma into the air in front of the entire crowd? 

Billy: This one’s pretty easy. Harry Alaish. I think if he did it, everyone would erupt in laughter. It’s just the kind of thing H would do. 

John: Where can you get the best chicken sandwich, and why? 

Billy: While I am a big fan of Bojangle’s chicken sandwich, I think the best chicken sandwich is the chicken sandwich at Bible Study, and specifically at Bible Study [Bible Study provides students with Chick-Fil-A on Wednesdays at lunch]. If you go to the restaurant, it’s a little bit drier, but at Bible Study, it’s extra moist from sitting in the package.  

John: Would you support replacing the dean’s office with an artisan candy shop? 

Billy: Yes, I would, because the deans’ dress code policy is horrible! Secondly, I watched a show about building tree houses when I was little, and they made artisan candy canes, and they looked really good. I’m hoping that if they turned the dean’s office into an artisan candy shop, they’d have experience making those. We could all learn how to make candy canes. 

John: Would you rather amputate three of your toes or have to sit through a Cynosure meeting? 

Billy: Ampute three of my toes. 

John: If you had to remove one organelle from the cell, which one would have to go? 

Billy: I would remove the Smooth ER [Endoplasmic Reticulum]. It’s kind of like the Rough ER, but just not quite as cool. 

John: Would you consider throwing a birthday party for Captain Hook, the evil pirate bandit in Peter Pan? 

Billy: I would! Because in a way, he threw a birthday party for me when I was little, when I had a pirate birthday party. The only fair way to return the favor would be throwing a birthday party for him. 

John: How many pumpkin pies could you eat in six hours? 

Billy: Zero. I would take one bite and throw up. I would rather be abducted by an alien. Then I could learn about the aliens, and I wouldn’t have to eat pumpkin pie. 

John: How angry were you when Millard Fillmore released the Compromise of 1850 to the public?

Billy: Not as angry as when I found out that William Howard Taft couldn’t get out of the bathtub on his own. I think that really showed me that William Howard Taft gave up. He lost the chip on his shoulder that brought him to the White House.