Senior Room Relocation

As many know, the Class of 2025 was not the most tidy or subdued senior class in recent memory. Collectively, they seemed to take perverse pleasure in flaunting the many regulations put upon them by the Upper School deans, such as the despised phone policy. Additionally, they showed very little regard for the Senior Room–the space given to all senior classes by the Gilman Administration–resulting in an unkempt and chaotic senior tent by the end of the school year. Therefore, the deans have reportedly taken it upon themselves to commandeer the senior tent for the upcoming 2025-26 school year and convert it back to an abode of scholarly pursuits. “The senior room as we know it is gone, but rest assured, there will be a new one,” stated Head of Upper School Mr. Brian Ledyard, “It will be conveniently relocated inside the Deans’ office.”

Once this news broke, Upper School Deans Mr. Scott Van Zile and Mr. Aaron Goldman were quick to inform the SNOOZE staff that they “had been advocating for a seizure of the senior tent since the end of last year” and added they “were looking forward to hosting the incoming seniors in their sizable office.” Later, Mr. Van Zile ominously explained to SNOOZE reporters that “recent senior classes have been given far too much leeway with their senior rooms. The Deans only wish to instill a safer, calmer, and more supervised environment in which everyone can relax and enjoy themselves.” However, he refused to expound on what exactly this “new environment” might entail.

Now, a few days into the new school year, the Dean's vision for the new senior room has become clear. They have foisted draconian rules upon the senior class that must be followed to the letter if they are to keep their privileges. Upper School Dean Mr. Eric Coles now acts as the pseudo ‘bouncer’ for the senior room. If any senior wishes to enter, he must first sing his best rendition of “Oh Gilman, Oh Gilman” before neatly depositing his phone in the basket. Once a senior has gained entry, not an easy feat, he must avoid any and all run-ins with Finney 2.0, the new AI robotic dog programmed to brutally enforce the new noise level, capped at 40 decibels, which, to those unaware, is no more than a whisper. As if all these new punitive rules are not enough, the Deans have also stipulated that if a senior is late or skips any mandatory academic requirements, he will be demoted, surrendering any and all senior privileges and relegated to sitting with the freshman during lunch and form meetings.

As outrage and frustration continues to build in response to what many seniors deem “cruel and unusual” regulations, the SNOOZE investigative team, keenly aware of the Deans’ determination to see these new rules through, instead elected to go visit math teacher Ms. Laura Soden, who is widely considered more sympathetic to the senior’s plight, in an attempt to get her to put a stop to this madness,. Unsurprisingly, Ms. Soden, who has nothing to do with the senior room, was puzzled by the question. Her sole response was, “Why are you asking me?”

Our efforts proving futile, questions remain unanswered. Will the senior room remain under dictatorial rule for the rest of the school year? Only time will tell, but rest assured, the SNOOZE investigative team will do everything in our power to keep you, esteemed reader, informed on this unfolding crisis.