National Guard Deployed To Gilman

After the recent deployment of the National Guard to the Nation’s Capital, POTUS (President of the Upper School), Mr. Ledyard, looks to utilize the nation’s defense assets to maintain order. In an executive order, POTUS authorized the deployment of the National Guard to the Gilman School. This radical action was in response to a request by the Deans, who cited the increasingly violent refusal of the raiders to disband. Initially, the Deans attempted to appease the raiders by promising a no-tie Friday if they disbanded; despite such a generous offer, they continued to resist. While many cry out against this move as a blatant abuse of power, the administration has cited the chaos and instability in the region. POTUS was quoted as saying, “What the raiders have been doing was, frankly, VERY BAD. Those dirty, dirty hounds destroyed school property, disrupted the Freshman study hall, and many people are saying these people have ties with MCDONOGH. We’re calling them the ROTTEN RAIDERS. That’s what we’re calling them. ROTTEN.” As of now, roughly 41 raiders have been detained in the Cage, while many continue to resist. One raider is quoted as saying, “If Ledyard’s tariffs hadn't spiked school store prices, we wouldn’t be out here.” 

While some oppose the government, there are many ardent supporters, such as Vincent Wu ‘27, “I used to feel extremely creeped out by Donovan Herb ‘26, but now, I have nothing to fear. You’re not going to quote me on this, right?” The situation has transformed the school into a warzone. The baseball team quickly sided with the national guard as soon as they heard the lacrosse team supported the raiders. The two groups have turned the school fields into a wasteland of greaser lacrosse balls, fungo bats, and JV players. Caught in the crosshairs, the Red Cross club has commandeered the nurse’s office to tend to wounded and mildly under-the-weather students while members of the Model UN team have been frantically searching for a diplomatic solution. One Gilman Snooze member reported seeing a raider in the Finney suit in an intense barking match against Mr. Smyth’s dog, Berrie. Certain groups have taken advantage of the disorder, such as the water polo team, which has been transformed into a phone-smuggling ring, and FOCUS, which has begun black market sales of their Chick-fil-A. Results of the deployment are yet to be fully seen, but as clashes between the raiders and government forces continue, a resolution seems distant.