Gilman Elementary School Teaching Students to Worship Norse Deity

Recently, The News received an anonymous tip from a source that will remain anonymous. This source brought to our attention some of the most peculiar things happening in the Gilman Lower School, ranging from brainwashing to the potential establishment of a cult of personality. To validate these claims, The News sent in Aarav Trivedi ‘28 to investigate.

What Aarav discovered was truly shocking. Beginning in early December, teachers, in a coordinated campaign, began to teach the student body about a mystical, pagan figure. He goes by aliases such as “Kris,” “Nicholas,” “Noel,” or even “Santa,” and teachers have been instructing their students to worship this Norse deity. His past remains a mystery, with some saying he lived long ago in the Netherlands, Greece, or even Britain. They have even referred to this immortal figure as “Father” or even as a “Saint.” This deity appears to wield extreme power, possessing an army of minions who follow his every command and even having the terrifying capability to break into any home on earth in the span of one night. Furthermore, he is said to see these children “when they are sleeping,” and likewise has been reported to know when they are awake. Clearly, by encouraging the worship of a saint, our teachers are blatantly defying the principle of separation between church and state that is tied to our nation’s founding.

What’s even more concerning, they have called their students to action in order to praise this terrible figure. They told their students to construct shrines to this deity, consisting of pine trees covered with various shiny decorative orbs, as well as offering up sacrifices of milk and cookies to this false god in exchange for blessings of toys. In the halls of the lower school as well, various ornaments and decorations have been erected in praise of this mystical figure. To convince the more skeptical children, teachers have handed out frosted baked circles and hard canes of candy emblazoned with the signature colors of this man: white, green, and red. Walking through the halls, Aarav reported that the children are almost in a trance, singing hymns of this mysterious figure’s pet deer and claiming that they might visit one of his correspondents at the Towson mall. 

Furthermore, all the teachers have been alluding to a foreboding day known as ‘Christ- mass,” on which this man delivers toys to his obedient followers. However, to those he doesn’t like, he gives them coal. Considering both that many of these toys are made of cheap plastic derived from oil and that he gives out coal, it is clear that this supposed Saint is controlled by the special interests of big oil and big coal. With the backing of big corporations, this threat may be more dangerous than we originally perceived. 

Most horrifying of all is how shockingly effective the teachers' methods are. When activists tried to expose the falsity of this pagan deity, the lower school kids reportedly became very upset and chased the activists out of the building, screaming, “You’re ruining our childhood!” Sadly, one activist, Will Michael ‘28, was unable to escape the onslaught and has disappeared. When negotiators tried to come to a deal for his release, they discovered that he had already been “put on the naughty list,” making it too late for anything to be done. The News applauds Michael for his service and hopes for the best for his family. Clearly, if we allow this process of indoctrination to continue, soon all of the youth will be certain of the existence of this conman. All, protect your young before it is too late, a corporate-backed religious insurrection is coming!