Gilman 2034: What Will the Future Hold?

It is May 1st, 2034, and students are just wrapping up the 2033-2034 school year. While a lot has changed in the last ten years, much about life remains the same at Gilman. 

Brian Ledyard remains the upper school head, now ending his tenth year in the position. Following the retirement announcement of Head of School Henry Smyth this year, many expected Ledyard to take the helm, but he was passed over in favor of rising star and history teacher Aaron Slutkin ‘17. Slutkin plans to rule Gilman with an iron fist, saying, “Under my reign, Gilman will once more be a school of hallmark discipline and character. To accomplish this, I plan to remove cell phones from the classroom and reinstate corporal punishment. Also, I’m cutting the music department. And if you have any problems with the way I run things, you can take a long walk off a short pier. Slutkin out!”

  Joe Duncan is in his 57th year of teaching at Gilman and is showing no signs of retiring any time soon. Devina Bhalla has taken over as head of the English Department following the disappearance of the previous head in a kayaking accident. Though claims of foul play have been ruled out, some remain suspicious. Regarding the incident, Bhalla said, “It's terrible, but we must move forward. He [The previous department head] would have wanted us to move on and not think about the mysterious circumstances under which he disappeared.” Ms. Bhalla declined to comment on the investigation into the disappearance.

In sports news, Gilman has won the Gilman-McDonogh football game for the first time since 2026, following a clutch game-winning field goal from senior Easton Tucker ‘34. Gilman Soccer also claimed their first MIAA championship since 2011, finishing the year with an undefeated in-conference record and claiming first place in the ‘C’ conference. 

Following JV Baseball’s 8th consecutive winless season this year, Coach Matthew Zealand elected to leave the team to start a new life as a Sherpa in Nepal. Speaking on this, he said, “I used to be a person who believed in things. Then we lost to Spalding’s JV team 27-0. If there’s a God, he abandoned us a long time ago.” 

Kenan Ulku-Steiner has taken over as the new Gilman Tennis coach following a player’s hunger strike in mutiny against the prolific but controversial Coach Lightning. Finally, Gilman Water Polo won its 8th championship in ten years, cementing its dominance.

The Class of 2024 is set to return for their tenth-year reunion. 

• Student Body President Pitman Smyth is now a disgraced former city council member, after infamously diverting city council funds to bribe MIAA Volleyball refs. 

• Class President Jamie Howard ‘24 now works as a political strategist for the DNC.

• Ali Akpek and Wyatt Winstead work in “finance” and can still be found at Gilman sporting events.

• Toluwa Alabi recently produced a short film and still can be found regularly videoing his friends.

• Jack Amiot is a loving stay-at-home Dad raising three children.

• Tyler Axilbund was recently promoted to Captain in the Army.

• Clayton Baddley has been missing since 2032. If you have any information regarding his whereabouts, please contact 443-797-7266.

• Cyrus Ballo works in commercial real estate in Idaho.

• Oliver Beattie, Zach Holub, Bryce Chirgott, Grey Dent, Alex Beynon, and Connor Gaines started an online gambling empire, before losing most of their money on sites they created.

• Bruno Becker performed at Coachella for the fifth time this year under his moniker “Sensei Drip.”

• Xandy Bose works at an environmental consulting firm in Portland. He has two dogs and snowboards every weekend.

• Andrea Bovio moved to Milan to start a new life and has not been in contact with Gilman since.

• Kyle Brown and Adam Shutzky coach Ultimate Frisbee at American University.

• Quinn Buterbaugh works in commercial real estate and can be found at the Hunt Cup every year.

• Lleyton Cathell works at a venture capital firm in Texas.

• Sebastian Chaney leads a cult that worships the Bass Pro-Shop temple.

• Ryan Coleman enters his third year of medical school after almost making the U.S. Olympic Track Team.

• James Chung and Chris Woo faked their own death after accumulating insurmountable debt from high-stakes poker games and are believed to be hiding out in Cuba.

• Ryan Collins became a motivational speaker after finishing his track career at Davidson, renowned for his remarkable positivity. In his spare time, he drives a trash truck 

• John Collison moved to North Jersey and now works in “Waste Management.”

• Ben Cooper deejays at the hottest nightclubs across Europe.

• Geoff Crosby is a white water rafting tour guide in West Virginia.

• Gabe Corwell works with snakes.

• Nick Cruz is a financial advisor and almost invested in the next big thing but didn’t.

• David Deller is a real estate broker in South Florida and vibes in Miami.

• Travis Lee Dutton runs an assisted living community center in North Carolina.

• Nedum Ebo just got his PhD in Christian Studies at Rice University. He is currently being headhunted to teach at several colleges.

• Jacob Eisenberg works for a sports management startup in Jacksonville.

• Bennet Espenshade wins his third event on the Korn Ferry Tour.

• Buck Franklin owns a construction business in Iowa.

• Nathaniel Frempong runs a non-profit organization in Philadelphia and still participates in spoken word poetry.

• Aman Garg is a tech mogul, having recently sold his start-up to Google.

• Brayden Garrison works in the finance sector and still caddies for Bennett in his spare time.

• Melvin Gnoassia owns a carrot farm in South Carolina.

• George Guyton coaches club lacrosse in Maryland, having retired from the Premier Lacrosse League (PLL) two years ago.

• Logan Haerian is an imam in Seattle.

• Christian Hall runs an art collective in Soho.

• Jackson Haney works at an investment firm, and coaches youth lacrosse in his free time.

• Andrew Hannan owns a bakery in Nevada.

• Nick Haughey works for a hedge fund on Wall Street and participates in a backyard wrestling league on the weekends.

• Patrick Hervy is an English Professor at Bowdoin College.

• Cal Hickey recently celebrated his 567th Birthday. He also joined a barbershop quartet, which performs at birthday parties and bar/bat Mitzvahs across the country.

• Dawson Hickman just finished his MD at Union. 

• Chris Hicks lives in a cabin in remote Maine where he ghost writes screenplays for Hollywood Blockbusters, having last made contact with another human in 2030.

• Eddy Kan plays guitar in a Parisian Jam Band.

• Andreas Karakousis is a face model in New York City.

• Abraham Karikkineth codes for Microsoft.

• Arya Kazemnia is a top drone strike engineer for Lockheed Martin.

• Brooks Kitchell heads the legal defense for the Marlboro Cigarettes brand of Philip Morris.

• Jeevan Khanuja is a doctor in Portland.

• Danny Koldobskiy is a Junior Professor at Stanford after finishing his Mathematics PhD at the age of 26.

• Ben Koman is celebrating another Michigan Football championship.

• Nathan Koshy is a doctor in North Florida.

• Wesley Krieger works at a start-up chewing gum company.

• Dejaun Lane looks to begin his 7th year in the NFL, having just signed a new contract with the Atlanta Falcons.

• Austin Lansey works for the CHIP program in the federal government.

• Thomas Lee is an economist at a think tank in D.C.

• Danny Leikus plays baseball for the Savannah Bananas.

• Henry Lentz is a museum curator at the Smithsonian in New York.

• Nick Lutzky is still busy writing this article

• Evan MacDonald is a professional napper.

• Michael Maloney is a personal trainer in Philadelphia.

• Todd Martin is a scout for the Pittsburgh Pirates.

• Owen Matteini is a high school soccer coach and history teacher.

• Jameson Maumenee is a therapist in Northern California.

• Coby McClellan is finishing his PhD in Sociology at Northeastern.

• Owen McClean is a fitness influencer with 700,000 followers on the new social media site Squibble.

• Quinn McMahon works in the athletics building at Gilman.

• James Meyer works for a hedge fund and plays in a men’s lacrosse league on the weekends.

• Isaac Mitchell is a professional squash player.

• Mason Murphy Lenk is a commercial pilot for Southwest, though he was recently reprimanded for attempting a barrel roll in a fully seated commercial flight.

• Yarus Mytsak is a medical doctor in Kenya.

• Samir Nazar works on coding for the Fender Guitar App.

• David Netzar does color commentary for various Minor League Baseball teams.

• Alex Osten is an aerospace engineer for a small space exploration start-up.

• Truman Paternotte made a second statue of a semicolon for a modern art museum, selling it for over $170,000.

• Duncan Perry “works.” 

• Noah Peters has single-handedly cut the U.S. debt by 7%.

• Chase Pittruzella is a Jr. Mechanical Engineer at an applied physics corporation.

• Owen Pu works for a Private Equity Firm in Miami.

• Simon Qian was recently exonerated after being falsely convicted of murder, thanks to the legal aid of Zach Minkin and his assistant Ryan Patel. Patel and Minkin also represent John Collison’s Waste Management firm, having bailed him out of legal trouble several times

• Sean Randall is soon to get his PhD in Linguistics at ASU.

• Wyatt Randolph coaches youth baseball and is a professional eater.

• Declan Ratchford is an up-and-coming doctor in New York City.

• TJ Reiter is a photographer for Vox.

• Max Roth is a chemical engineer for the Blackwater Military Contracting Company.

• Patrick Ryan is a clerk for a federal judge and runs an F1 Instagram page with over 50K followers in his spare time.

• Devjeet Saluja captains a fishing boat off the coast of South Africa.

• Simeon Schlagger is a neurosurgeon in Arizona.

• David Seol is a dentist who gained popularity on social media for singing while performing surgery.

• Tyson Sherlock is a professional Fortnite player and Twitch streamer.

• Paul Shkolnik works at an investment bank in Los Angeles.

• Peter Shkolnik works on Wall Street.

• Alok Sinha is an MD and cancer researcher.

• Hersh Sinha is a Physician’s Liaison in Pittsburgh.

• Kyle Sopher is an accountant in Baltimore.

• Anthony Somers owns a small landscaping company in Virginia.

• Nick Sun is a Clinical Research Assistant and coaches Youth Tennis in his free time.

• Yaya Supreme became internet famous in 2028 and sells t-shirts with his face on them.

• Trey Taylor is an effective altruist and financial advisor.

• Finn Tondro is the youngest tenured professor at the University of Phoenix.

• Errol Tucker owns an athletic equipment shop in Baltimore.

• Leo Wang codes for an up-and-coming tech start-up which looks to rival Google.

• Jay Wilkerson is a personal trainer and fitness coach.

• John Wolk is a salesman and runs an alpha male podcast in his free time.

• Ethan Yan is a neurosurgeon (and published in Nature). However, due to a decade of brain rot abusing Instagram reels, he is unable to speak coherently and cannot do much outside of work.

• Jacob Yibas is a primary care physician at a local children’s hospital.

• Leon Zhang is a diplomat at the United Nations.

• Jesse Zhong is a top environmental scientist working to combat climate change.

• Alex Zois stars in the blockbuster movie Fight Club 2.

While much has happened in the last ten years, the culture and spirit of Gilman remains 

just as powerful as when the class of 2024 graduated. Classes graduate, teachers retire, but what it means to be Gilman stays the same.