By Connor Durand

Countless Clubs Compete 

Since the start of this year, Gilman has experienced a strange new trend. A phenomenon known as club inflation has struck the school as hundreds of new clubs have sprung up from nowhere. “It's gotten to such a point that there are almost 3 times as many clubs as there are students,” commented Mr. Smyth. While some of the new clubs seem reasonable, many cover incredibly niche subjects. Some of the more odd clubs include:

  1. Gilman Students' Association 

  2. Breathing Club

  3. People who sit at the front of the class club

  4. People who don’t wear glasses club

  5. People who sit at the back of the class club

Despite the absurd number of clubs, sizable numbers of students are still able to show up to all of them. While the exact cause is unclear, members of the Quantum Physics and Space-time Continuum Club have theorized that certain students from the Time Travelers Club have invented a time machine. “Yeah, I have about 5 or 6 clubs that I run on Mondays during first block, but don’t even get me started on second block, anyway, please excuse me, I have to get to Glassblowing Club,” commented Trip Lawrence ‘28,  president of Robotics, Bulgarian Students Association, Jupiter Club, CT-306 Club, and Wall Outlet Club 

Some posit that the underlying cause of this crisis stems from the fact that many students created these clubs with the hope that they would help get them into good colleges. “I’m actually the president of so many clubs that I’ve been recruited by Harvard for my D1 club management skills,” commented Arveen Kazemnia ‘27, who has a GPA of 1.41. 

Because of the club inflation, many previously united clubs have shattered. The Balkan Student Association has fractured into many splinter nationalist groups, which have begun to fiercely debate which of their countries has the best weather. The Model UN club has made moves to intervene in the conflict after the League of Nations Club proved ineffective. The President of the Civil War Club commented on the conflict, saying, “A house divided against itself cannot stand.” However, shortly after the aforementioned club split into two. In a major reformation, Martin Luther ‘27 has caused the FOCUS bible study to split into hundreds of separate religious denomination clubs. This came after he nailed his “5407 theses” on the door of Centennial Hall. 

In a futile attempt to stop this club inflation, certain students founded the Anti-club Club. However, the club was disbanded after its members realized they had become the thing they sought to destroy.