Mysterious Figure at Wrestlemania 

After a year-long investigation, Coach Bryn Holmes has finally been confirmed as the Wrestlemania champion, The Eagle. 

Our investigating team was initially tipped off when 250 mysterious signed pictures of Coach Holmes were scattered around campus during winter break. Students also reported seeing a Lucha Libre mask and a bright orange singlet covered in feathers on Coach Holmes’ clothesline. 

Our suspicions were finally confirmed at Wrestlemania 40. Holmes performed a top-rope jump while reciting The Gilman Five, and, after being kicked out of The Mania, he incited a “That’s Malarky” chant from the crowd. Finally, The Eagle’s mask came off while performing his signature Screeching Spladle. James Zink ‘26 and Sean Broadbent ‘27 were in attendance and immediately took to X and Instagram. Quickly, #EagleExposed was trending on all platforms. 

In an attempt to save his name, Coach Holmes took to Instagram Live. After the live started, Holmes did not know how to end it and left it on for seven hours. During the live, viewers got to see him do his nightly meditation, grounding, and CPAP sleep. When asked the next day about the situation, the only response Holmes gave was, “I thought nobody would realize I teach at Gilman if I named myself The Eagle.” 

No repercussions have been taken yet by Mr. Smyth, but the people are expecting a response. Stay tuned. SNOOZE out.