Gilman Steps in on Student Body Elections

Gilman administrators have promised to intervene after recent controversies in the Student Body President elections. After The News published its initial polling data for Student Body President candidates, the election has become increasingly more contentious. Multiple candidates have launched lengthy and often unfounded attacks against their opponents. After a recent series of exchanges, the situation reached a breaking point.

The problems began in early March when The News published an article showing that junior JD Vassar ‘27 currently leads the polling for our next Student Body President. The next day, several juniors reported seeing the second and third place candidates, Drew Klein ‘27 and Jax Winstead ‘27, angrily talking in the Junior Common Room about the piece. No student could hear the full extent of their conversation, but juniors reported hearing them say things like “destroy,” “embarrass,” and “blimp accident.” Tim Yoo ‘27 could be seen in the halls muttering to himself about how to leverage his talent show performances to gain popularity. The final candidate, Sean Broadbent ‘27, told The Snooze that The News’ article had used too many big words for him to understand, but once we explained the data’s implications, he flipped a table and immediately began insulting our masculinity. It was clear the games were afoot.

The next day, several posters appeared around Gilman displaying JD in a McDonogh sweatshirt with the word TRAITOR spray-painted on his face. JD’s campaign quickly put out a statement claiming that the image was generated by artificial intelligence, condemning the actions, and calling on the responsible party to come forward. Drew responded with his own statement, calling JD a “stinky idiot who wouldn’t know a proper student section if it bit him in the butt.” Jax’s campaign called for a deescalation of insults, but students cited potential ulterior motives since Jax finished his statement by saying, “See how mature I’m being about all this? This is the kinda stuff you want to see from a Student Body President, right?” 

In the following weeks, the hostile tactics only continued. Tim reportedly began spreading rumors about the other candidates, saying that Drew had bribed his way out of an honor strike and Jax had forgotten how to spell the rest of his first name and just decided to stick with Jax. Jackson Boyd ‘27 told the Snooze, “Drew seems like too honorable of a guy for that, but that thing about Jax makes a lot of sense. How could that really be his full name?” 

JD released what he claimed to be legitimate financial information of Jax’s campaign, showing that the junior had spent over half of his campaign money on new lacrosse stick heads from Gunnar Gahan ‘29. Jax called into question the legitimacy of the documents, citing the fact that his campaign had not received any money, but was swiftly undermined by JD saying, “Embezzler says what?” Sean, not to be left out of the fun, could be seen repeatedly spraying his opponents with fart spray in an attempt to make them less appealing.

Most of the attacks were able to fly under the radar of the administration until the candidates started impeding the normal operations of the school. Teachers told The Snooze that Sean had made it impossible for them to get through lessons. He reportedly followed around the different candidates and would shout “Nice Lie!” every time they gave an answer in class. Tim caused an uproar in assembly when he repeatedly interrupted JD’s announcements with loud farting noises. JD was reprimanded at a recent lacrosse game for tricking Sean into storming the field in the middle of the third quarter, forcing the game to be paused. JD commented, “Holy cow. That was way too easy.” Jax and Drew were both removed from seminar after pantsing one another in a manner that, according to Dr. Mo, “has destroyed my last bit of faith in humanity.”

Mr. Brooks Matthews ‘87 announced on Tuesday that the Gilman administration will be forcefully intervening in any further smear campaigns or school disruptions from any of the Student Body President candidates. In assembly he told the candidates, “We have had enough. There will be severe consequences for any further/additional insults, property destruction, or assembly of a freshman militia to carry out physical violence. Also, we don’t know where that whole ‘blimp’ idea was headed either, but don’t even think about it. This is all over a role in which you can maybe accomplish like two or three initiatives, tops. It cannot possibly be that important.”

The elections will be held this coming May, but the recent antics have left voter enthusiasm low. Sam Brody ‘27 told the Snooze, “I owe Rohan an apology. He really doesn’t seem that bad anymore.”