GILMAN—In a surprise move last Tuesday, Head of School Henry P. A. Smyth announced that Gilman has chosen The Joker to head up efforts to revamp the school's afternoon schedule. The unexpected decision came after weeks of deliberation among upper school leadership as to how they might make the afternoon schedule more confusing for students. In an official statement, Dean of Students John Schmick said ‘97, “We have tried our best to make the scheduling for afternoon activities different every year to maximize student confusion and frustration, but now that students don’t have their phones to distract them, we realized we needed to step our game up. The Joker impressed us with his lengthy experience in mischief and chaos, as well as his total lack of proficiency with any of the software we use to keep track of the schedule.” The full scope of The Joker’s plans has yet to be revealed, but the Snooze has gained insider access to his working plans.

According to reports, The Joker has compiled all of the data collected from last year's student surveys about afternoon blocks to craft a schedule more confusing than any in Gilman’s history. His initial plans include renaming every club to the Gilman Kebab Club, switching from a two-week schedule to a seven-and-a-half week schedule centered around the lunar calendar, and splitting the afternoon into ten nine-minute blocks that are never in the same order. Additionally, students’ times for seminar will now be determined by their astrology sign and grandmother’s maiden name spelled backwards, and study hall room assignments for both teachers and students will change daily and must be deciphered using clues hidden throughout Mr. Gouline’s daily memo. These, as well as many other changes, are expected to shake up afternoons at Gilman.

The Snooze has been in contact with students and faculty alike to understand how these changes are being implemented. Charlie Dieveney ‘28 reported, “I went to go sign up for One Love on Veracross, it asked me who I was, and when I answered, it said ‘How can you be sure?’ What am I supposed to do with that?” Holden Herman ‘27 told the Snooze, “When I tried to check what day I had seminar, my computer screen redirected me to the Arby’s customer complaints page before bursting into flames.” Teachers have had issues with the new scheduling procedures as well. Head of the Classics department, Ms. Sarah Miller noted, “When I went to take attendance for a study hall I was proctoring, the spreadsheet told me all of the students in the room simultaneously did not attend Gilman and were currently excused to participate in extracurricular activities. I’m starting to think this Joker guy might be out of control.”

The Snooze reached out to The Joker about his devious plans for the afternoon schedule. He told our reporters, “I just feel incredibly honored to be a part of something that has caused such frustration for teachers and students alike. I feel incredibly humbled, and I hope that my work can match even a fraction of the chaos that past changes have brought to scheduling the afternoon.”