New Water Boy Immersive

With Student Body President Sean Broadbent’s ‘27 declaration of a State of Emergency for varsity athletes, various measures have been put in place to ensure that varsity athletes receive the absolute best treatment, which they absolutely deserve. These include the creation of the “Gilman Blues,” a student-section intramural designed to make athletes feel supported at every game, and the new middle school coaching intramural, meant to maintain Gilman’s tradition of dominating the MIAA. 

However, several student-athletes have complained of dehydration in recent weeks due to the scorching temperatures that have hovered in the mid-seventies. To address this, Broadbent has immediately mobilized every non-athlete in support of the athletic teams. His new intramural, dubbed the “Hydration Hounds,” guarantees that varsity athletes receive the cool, thirst-quenching water that they deserve. While this new initiative appears simple from the outside, the training that the “Hydration Hounds” go through is grueling. One new recruit, David Csiki ‘30, described the training as “literal hell on Earth,” while Eric Zhao ‘27 said, “This is way harder than badminton. The effort it takes to haul these water jugs is excruciating.” The Snooze managed to secure an interview with Taskmaster Broadbent, who said, “It is imperative that our athletes receive the care and flattery that they require. The efforts of the non-athletic are best suited towards the care of Gilman’s best.” He went on to describe some of the Hydration Hounds’ requirements:

• 50km run with a 16-pound water jug in each hand (under two hours)

• 300-pound water jug row (minimum 12 reps each hand)

• 16 Gatorade water bottles refilled and capped (under one minute)

• Must be less than 100lbs (to be easily pushed out of the way)

• Must be under 5’ 6” (to stay out of varsity athletes’ eyesight)

• Must be nonchalant (to avoid distracting varsity players)

“These are easy requirements,” Broadbent explained, “We need demure, quiet, and meek students to work towards the greater good of our school, which, in our case, is maintaining our football team’s perfect record.” Taskmaster Broadbent then went off to oversee the Hydration Hounds’ workout, which runs from 4:00- 10:30 p.m.. 

Athletics Director Mr. Russell Wrenn praised the development, saying, “For far too long, Gilman’s small and short students have freeloaded off of the backs of varsity athletes, making claims like, ‘Our football team went undefeated this year’ and ‘We have the best water polo team in the MIAA’ without actually contributing to any of these sports. This changes things, and now, they can earnestly say, ‘I gave water to All-MIAA water polo player Treve Darby ‘27’ or ‘I remained unnoticed while filling up water bottles during the halftime of the Gilman-McDonogh game." The Snooze anticipates that Taskmaster Broadbent will call upon junior varsity athletes and middle schoolers in his next waves of mobilization. Furthermore, Taskmaster Broadbent has said, “Lower schoolers are certainly not out of the question. Their size and stature makes them ideal to precisely deliver small amounts of water into the mouths of parched varsity athletes. We are exploring every option, and, if this crisis worsens, we might need to dig into the only reserve we have left: short teachers."